"Hey Sandy!" I shouted
"Hey Thomas, whats up?"
"Not much, though I must ask you, have you ever had a dream had The Butthole Surfers as a... sound track if you would call it that?"
"Can't say I have, why do you ask, are you about to tell me one of your stories?" Her eyes glittered, she loved it when I told her stories, and I loved telling stories,
"maybe..." I replied sarcastically,
"well, if your not going to I guess I can just go..." She said with a wicked grin,
"mmmmhmmm, well anyways, yesterday I decided to go to bed listening to the Butthole surfers, a very weird, drug inspired band..."
"I know who they are!"
Ignoring her I continued, "and when I dozed off, at some point, from the darkest depths of my mind came an epic disasterpiece, only to be made worse by the sometimes incomprehensible music seeping into my sleeping mind from the outside world. The spawn of such a combination is almost too much for words. when I first arrived in the nonexistant realm created by the most wretched and evil part of my mind, the first thing I noticed was that the song 'Comb,' one of the oddest songs by the Buttholes, was playing eerily over the desolate gray landscape. Though as the song progressed the new world exploded in color and weird screwed up animations of such unimaginable horror. There were men with two heads with eyes made of teeth and teeth made of eyes, their fingers were hypodermic needles, and their necks were made of accordions."
"That does sound like something you would come up with,"
she laughed, "so what happened next?
I smiled wickedly, "I'm gonna make you wait to find out."
TO BE CONTINUED...
It's OK to have a longer story, but it's making you a bit lazy when it comes to editing. This tale (so far) is not nearly as tight as your previous efforts. Don't let yourself ramble! Try to edit out every single word that's not essential to the tale.
ReplyDeleteIt may just be my opinion, but I don't really like how the story begins with dialogue.
ReplyDeletegood point, I wrote this when I was annoyed and I dont feel as if I did a great job with the story, definatly not my best work
ReplyDeletei like dialogue bc it makes the characters more interesting and easier to relate to, but when you dont give a inofrmation as to what is happening during the speech it can be kind of confusing
ReplyDelete